Tell a Joke

[Evil666]

OKEY, this sailor has been out working for three months and comes home stacked with cash and on the lookout for a drink!!
He goes in to the first bar he finds and order himself a pint of beer. While he's drinking he looks over the bar and sees a huge glass bole stacked with 100 dollar bills!! "What the ****** hell is that"?? he asks the barman.
"It's a bet, you put a 100 bucks in the bole and I'll give you 3 assignments"! the barman says. "Well, what are the assignments"?? the sailor asks.
"NAH, can't tell ya, not untill you put 100 bucks in the bole, kinda the point with the bet"!! the barman quickly replies.

Well, the sailor thought, 100 bucks can't harm. So he paid.
Okey, the barman said, 1st assignment: Drink a bottle of tabasco in one sip without showing any expression of pain!!!
2nd assignment: Pull a tooth out of a violent-mad Pitbull I have in the Back-alley!
3rd assignment: Give orgasm to a 90 year old woman who has never had it before!!

Yeah right, the sailor said to himself. "Forget it", he said to the barman!
But later the same night, the sailor started to get seriously drunk, and he was soon out of the money he had taken with him so he screamed to the barman: "GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE OF TABASCO"!!!
He got it and threw it down in one go. Then the barman led the sailor to the door which led to the back-alley, and shut the door after him.
Soon as he got back to the bar a noise without without compare started from the back-alley.
It was screaming, whining, barking, hits, strokes, crying and noise noise noise then some more screaming again!
And this lasted for so long time, it went on forever!!! They were at for ages, with the screaming and barking and all that...
THEN!! It all stopped and it got deadly quiet, not a sound!!
The barman looked on his two regular customers and they thought: Oh my god, the dog has killed him!!!

Suddenly, the sailor came limping in the door. His clothes were ripped to pieces, there was blood dripping from every part of his body and he just didn't look like a human being at all. He looked at the three men by the bar and asked:

"Where the ****** hell is that old woman I'm gonna pull that tooth out of"???


Hope to see more jokes in this thread,.
Sorry if I affected anyone with bad language or bad english!!

[NutFlopper]

90% of the people that play here. Thats a joke.

[awedmanout]

did you hear about the two gay judges?..............they tried each other.

[Evil666]

Jessica dreamt one night that she ate a HUGE caramell.... when she woke up, her pillow was gone....

[DILLIGAF2005]

:confused:

Recently a Judge took 2 kids away from the parents when it came to light that the children were being beaten by the parents. Custody of the kids was given to the Grandparents. Soon after that it was revealed that the Grandparents were also beating the kids. Again the Judge acted. He took the kids away from the Grandparents and gave custody to the Chicago Blackhawks. When asked by a reporter why he gave custody to a hockey team the judge replied, "Well, the Blackhawks cant beat anyone."

[Evil666]

Moses, Jesus and a third guy was out one sunny sunday morning playing golf!
Moses was first to act. He hit the ball straight into the water, he went straight up to the water, said split, and the water parted so he could hit the next ball.
Jesus was next, he managed to strike the ball over the waterhole, but it landed in the rough. Since there were no way you could get to where the ball was laying without going a cross the water, Jesus of course, walked straight over the water and prepared for his next strike.

Then it was the third guys turn. He struck the ball straight in the water as Moses had done, but a fish jumped up i the air and caught the ball before it landed in the little waterhole. Before the fish got all wet again, a bird came swallowed the fish in one go. The bird flew away, but when it was exactly over the green, the fish got stuck in the birds throat.

The bird crashed down to the green, the fish came out of the birds throat and the ball came coffed up from the fish's belly and rolled straight into the little hole.
Hole in One!!!

Moses then turned to Jesus and said: "Jesus, this is the last time I'm playing golf with your father"!!!!

[ganstaman]

Couple of guys go on a long camping trip on a mountain. After two weeks of spending every single day together, hunting, fishing, hiking, etc. they start to get a little sick of each other.
They decide that the next day they will each do their own thing...One of them decides to go up the mountain, the other decides to go down the mountain.
They meet back at camp that night and discuss their days.
1st guy:
"Well, I had a terrific day! I went up the mountain, found a hot spring, did some swimming, sunbathing, saw a bunch of deer, a bear....it was just awesome! What did you do?"

2nd guy:
"Well, I went down the mountain and found some railroad tracks so I followed them for awhile, and believe it or not I found a woman tied up on the tracks! I untied her, she had an AWESOME body, and I ended up having sex with her all day long! It was AMAZING!"

1st guy:
"Wow, that's incredible!!! Did you get a blow job too?"

2nd guy:

"No, I couldn't find her head."


-Sorry if I'm too new to get away with posting this type of joke, but I really like it (so much that I stole it from somewhere online, just can't remember where...).

[skinski]

heard this one at the tables today.....what do u call a legless dog?.............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ............call him what ya like...he aint comin anyway ! :D

[looks2kill]

Breakfast at Tim Hortons

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a Tim
Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a
conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole
bread?"

"Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what
s inside. The crusts we collect in a big container, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The
American persisted.

"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course," said the American.

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them
in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them
to the United States.

[IGotJelloOK]

:D
The not too bright guy was walking by the drug store when he saw a sign -CONDOMS 99 CENTS PER PACK!. Well he went right in to buy a pack. When he got to the cashier she said "that will be $1.07"
"A dollar seven - your sign says 99 cents!" our no too bright gent exclaimed.
"Yes the cashier explained patiently; 99 cents plus tax."
"Tacks!", he screamed. "I don't need tacks, I want the kind you roll on!"

[IGotJelloOK]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Evil666]

A norwegian and a swede was sharing an appartment!
One day the norwegian came home from work and found the swede with a rope around his waist. The norwegian wondered what that was good for.

-I was depressed, and wanted to commit suicide, the swede said.
-With a rope around your waist?? In these cases you wanna put it around your neck!! the norwegian said.
-I know, said the swede, but then I couldn't breathe...

[cazwil]

(Not joke) Believe it or not this was a question on her science test, and I'll explain to those who dont live in GB the punch line.

This is the joke.

Why don't Polar bears eat penguins?

Because their claws are too big to undo the wrappers!

LOL

You've guessed it Penguins over here are chocolate bars.

I know its bad but it tickled me.

Caz

[IGotJelloOK]

:D
Did you hear about the man with five penises?
His pants fit him like a glove!

[IGotJelloOK]

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

[Evil666]

A man took his wife and daughter for a day in the zoo. While he was gone to buy Ice Cream to everyone, his wife and daughter went look at the zebras!

One of the zebras had an enormous erection, and the little girl asked her mother, "What is that"??
The mother got a bit embarrased and replied, "oh, that is nothing, honey"!
and then quickly changed the subject!!

A few minuttes later, the father came back with the ice creams he had bought. The little girl ran over to her father, pointed at the zebras large erection and asked again:

"Daddie, what is that"??
The man got a bit embarrast as well and studdered, "ehh, mmmm, what did your mother say"??
"She said it was nothing"!!!
"Well, your mother is spoiled"!! the father replied...

[ciscopike]

Q-Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A-Becouse sheep can hear a zipper go down half a mile away.

[Going4Broke]

here is alot of lightbulb jokes. (warning! contains foul language and may offend you.)

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88old/bulb.html

[Evil666]

Bill Gates, Yeltsin and Clinton gets to heaven and they run in to God...
God looks at them and says: Hey guys, you know you don't get in here unless you BELIVE in something...

Yeltsin looks at God and says: I belive every human being is equal and should share everything!!!
Good, God says!
You can come and sit on my left hand side!

Clinton says: I belive everyone should be able to say whatever is on their mind. THATS democracy!!!
Good, God says!
You can come and sit over here, at my right hand side!

And you Bill Gates, what do you belive in???
Gates points at God and says: I belive you're in my chair!!!

[Going4Broke]

A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus. She walked over to inspect it more closely. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There, standing right behind her, was a salesman.

With a plesant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna s*** when you hear the price."

[Evil666]

The teacher stood by the blackboard and spoke about Paradise, she said that we were all in relations with Adam and Eve!
Little Jack streched his arm up in the air and said: But my father says that our relations is from the apes!!
Quite possible, Jack, the teacher said, but it's not your family we're talking about now...

[skinski]

The teacher stood by the blackboard and spoke about Paradise, she said that we were all in relations with Adam and Eve!
Little Jack streched his arm up in the air and said: But my father says that our relations is from the apes!!
Quite possible, Jack, the teacher said, but it's not your family we're talking about now...
lol..my ancesters ain't swung from no trees...

[Evil666]

A slightly naive bear, and a tiny bit evil bunny was out one day walking in the woods. Suddenly they ran in to a golden frog. The golden frog granted them three wishes each!

The bear stood for a long time thinking; "Oh my, gotta be careful with these wishes, this is a once in a lifetime oppertunity!"
Since he didn't have much luck with the ladies(female bears) he though he had to do something about that!
"I wish that all the bears around the forrest are females"
SWOOSH!! Done.

Now the bunny, he didn't need much time to think...
"I wish I had a motorcycle helmet!"
SWOOSH!! Done.

The bear had thought a bit while the bunny had made his wish and figured out that if all bears in the forrest also were ladies, his chances would increase dramaticly!!
"I wish all the bears in the forrest also becomes females!!!"
SWOOSH!! Done.

Then the bunny again...
"Wish I had a motorcycle!"
SWOOSH!! Done.

Now the bear had figured out that if all the bears in the whole world were ladies, then he sure as hell had to get lucky!!!
"I wish all the bears in the world are females!!!"
SWOOSH!! Done.

Then the bunny put the helmet on his head, sat down on his bike, speeded a bit and said:
"I wish the bear was gay!!!!"


SWOOSH!!! :D :D

[Going4Broke]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[IGotJelloOK]

MANAGEMENT LESSON ONE


A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”
”Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
”They're packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree, where he was promptly spotted by a farmer and was shot out of the tree.


MANAGEMENT LESSON - Bullpucky might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON TWO

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who kakas on you are your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of kaka is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep kaka, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two-minute management course

[IGotJelloOK]

A city slicker named Joe moved to the country and wanted to start a small farm. He bought a donkey from an old rancher named Bill for $100. But when Bill drove up to Joe's house, he said, "I have bad news. The donkey died."
"Okay then," said Joe. "Give me my money back."
"Can't do that," said Bill. "I've already spent it."
"Okay then," said Joe. "Just unload the donkey."
"What are you going to do with it?" asked Bill.
"I'm going to raffle it off," said Joe.
"You can't raffle a dead donkey!" said Bill.
"Sure I can," said Joe. "I just won't say that he's dead."
A month later, Bill saw Joe outside the post office. He walked up and
asked, "Did you raffle off that donkey?"
"Sure did," said Joe. "I sold five hundred tickets at $2 apiece and
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?" asked Bill.
"Only the guy who won," said Joe. "So I gave him his $2 back."

[IGotJelloOK]

Father John's First Mass
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door
1. You sip the Vodka don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[IGotJelloOK]

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's noneed to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home! Exercise 1:Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise 2:Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cementfloor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3:Freeze two metal bookends overnight, strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of yourbreasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Setan appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!! CONGRATULATIONS!Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram! And just a thought for all you women out there:MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it’s a HISterectomy! Send this to all the women you know, and brighten their day! P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

[IGotJelloOK]

4 LITTLE ANIMALS
You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she will make


A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and
said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[NutFlopper]

I can make my penis 12 inches long!

I just fold it in half !

[Immortal BarrinVorg]

Breakfast at Tim Hortons

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a Tim
Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a
conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole
bread?"

"Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what
s inside. The crusts we collect in a big container, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The
American persisted.

"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course," said the American.

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them
in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them
to the United States.


Sorry dude your wrong the canadian is suppose to Australia, as at the end he says why do you think they call it wrigleys.

[Immortal BarrinVorg]

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the ****pit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

ar se hol

biatch

[Going4Broke]

what do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist!

[NutFlopper]

If women with big breast work at hooters, where do women with 1 leg work?

IHOP :D

[Leafy68]

UGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*Throws rotten tomatoes at Nut*


How do you catch a unique rabbit???







wait for it.....










Why.... Unique up on it!!!!

[Going4Broke]

Next time you have an "I hate my job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and
Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your
bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside
table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a great week, and remember, there is always someone who has a worse job
than you have!

[IGotJelloOK]

UGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*Throws rotten tomatoes at Nut*


How do you catch a unique rabbit???







wait for it.....










Why.... Unique up on it!!!!

OH YEAH ???????
Well how do you catch a tame rabbit ???????






Are ya ready??













THE TAME WAY !!!! Silly :D :D :D

[geordieinwhitley]

a man called bob walks into a pub and says to his friend "donkey do you want a drink?"
donkey answers
"yeah..a .a..pint..a pint of Guinness"(is stuttering)
"OK" the bob walks up to the bar and says
"2 pints of Guinness"
so the barman pours him the 2 pints of Guinness and bob gives it to donkey
after they have finished there drinks the man says to donkey
"its your round donkey" then bob goes to the toilet.
Donkey goes up to the bar and the barman says
"its terrible that that man calling you donkey" and donkey replies
" he..aw..he..aw..always calls me that"

[ciscopike]

The post office has issued a new stamp commemorating Prostitution In the United States.The stamp is 35 cents, but if you want to lick it its a dollar.

[ciscopike]

An Aussie walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder,the bartender says "Thats the ugliest thing iv'e ever seen in my life,where did you get it?
The parrot says "Australia,theres millions of 'em!!

[IGotJelloOK]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the psychiatric ward, a visitor asked the Director what are the criteria that require a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
OK, here's your test:
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."
.
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"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[skinski]

lol..thats a good one jello..tripps said she'd use the bucket....;)

[avenue478]

Is this a joke or a fact?

[Lanofg]

Jokes Eh?... how bout my bankroll?

[Weffins]

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a
pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies
landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him
in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly
out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT
OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASS-TERD !!!"

[Weffins]

+70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
+60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
+50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
+40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
+20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Canada rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Canada start saying, "Eh, Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup

[phantom01]

thats pretty good

[phantom01]

Is this a joke or a fact?
i think thats a joke lol

[Lanofg]

+70 degrees
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Not cool, The leafs are gonna win this year 37th times a charm!

[Weffins]

LOL - I hear ya, I'm a die hard Leafs fan myself

[skinski]

i liked the one bout the beer and fly weff....i've actualy done that bit bout throwin the fly away...lol....i've always said the alcohol will kill the germs..:D

[phantom01]

hav u really done that? what kind of alcohol do u drink?

[Weffins]

President George Dubya Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the ****pit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[IGotJelloOK]

:D :D :D :D :D :D
Help me up from the floor LOL LOL LOL I too stand proud and strong as a Canadian (all 4" 11" of me)

[IGotJelloOK]

1111111111111SantaClaus.wmv
1799K Download (http://mail.google.com/mail/?view=att&disp=attd&attid=0.1&th=10812e92df1a3fc0)
This should settle the dumb controversy in regards to Christmas.

[IGotJelloOK]

Dubya & Moses' Face Time

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he
walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses
and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the US of A, the most
powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!"

[IGotJelloOK]

lol..thats a good one jello..tripps said she'd use the bucket....;)
Is your toilet really that big and deep???????

[skinski]

Is your toilet really that big and deep???????i was replying to the bathtub joke..:D

[ContentedGenie]

Dubya & Moses' Face Time

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he
walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses
and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the US of A, the most
powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!"
Now that is funny, I cant stop laughing, thanks for sharing and cheering me up.

[IGotJelloOK]

http://www.lemonzoo.com/links_out.php?i=407 (http://www.lemonzoo.com/links_out.php?i=407) (High speed video)

[IGotJelloOK]

i was replying to the bathtub joke..:D

:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o DOH of course! (must be why I am so quick learning this game ?!):D :D :D :D :D :D

[smudger1001]

A woman is in her doctors office after having to take testosterone.

Woman:" doctor, I've started to grow hair on my chest, is this normal?"

Doctor: " yes, its perfectly normal to grow a little hair when a woman is on testosterone therapy, how far does the hair reach?"

Woman: " all the way to my balls'.

[smudger1001]

A man goes to his doctors. "Doc, ive just been raped by an elephant!" The stunned doctor replies, " what makes you say that?". " WELL" says the man holding his hands a foot or so apart, " my ****hole feels this big!". "Ok" says the doctor, " bend over and let me take a look". The guy bends over, and sure enough, his ****hole is about ten inches across. "But i thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor. " Yeah i know", says the man, "but it fingered me first!".

[DedMansHand]

The Perfect Password
A women was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, toldhim that he would now need to enter a password....Something he will use to log on. Her husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to
bring this to his wife's attention.So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:P....E....N....I......S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[cazwil]

Got to show the girls that one, lol

Caz

[DedMansHand]

I got a few for ya....


#1:

Q. What's the difference between George W. Bush and Rush Limbaugh?

A. Rush Limbaugh has a prescription drug plan.


#2:

Breaking News: Jobless numbers released Friday even worse than Thursday's miserable numbers causing tremors in the stock market.

Original claims were revised bringing the total of unemployed in the U.S. to a number so high even the illegal aliens are leaving.

#3

Breaking News: A “Trust” Hormone Discovered: Scientists in Switzerland and the United States have discovered that exposure to the hormone Oxytocin "causes a substantial increase in trusting behavior - and that the hormone could be misused and exploited."

Whitehouse officials were asked to comment about the discovery...they stated, "Don't believe what the Left Wing Media is telling you", and then they sprayed something into our reporter's face.

[IGotJelloOK]

:D :D :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Just leave me on the floor I am going to be laughing awhile. I'll call for help later if I need it. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[tripps]

dedman i just loved the number too , very funny yet so close to the truth .

[SexySinks]

Why didn't they make 2 Yogi bears?

.........

...........

.............


Because they made a boo-boo!
















..........

[IGotJelloOK]

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2004 :D:D

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage
on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you
going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[tripps]

roflmho !!!!!! :D :D

[SexySinks]

That is great! Good joke, Jello!

Sarah

[DILLIGAF2005]

One of my son in laws names is Patrick....now I knw why he ran away from home.......walking. LOL

[tripps]

One of my son in laws names is Patrick....now I knw why he ran away from home.......walking. LOL
our son done that same thing . he was four and he packed his bags, skin showed him where the train tracks were at and told him we'd miss him and to take care . lol . he started walkin and we watched him, but he didn't go far till he come running back . his name were'nt patrick tho..was and still is earl the third . it was right cute ..;)

[DedMansHand]

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2004 :D:D

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage
on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you
going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

OMG..JELLO! I didn't know you had it in ya to tell a joke like that. My stomach hurt from laughing so long and hard at that...lol...

[DedMansHand]

One of my friends...we'll call her Kelly from Windsor (for her protection) was really having a hard time finding a job. I was managing a SubWay sandwich shop around the corner from where she lived so I gave her the first opportunity that came along.

Her first day was simple, all she had to do for the first hour or so was learn how to ring orders on the register while I made the subs. After she was showing remarkable strides at keying in the orders, I told her it was time to switch off with me and I'll ring orders.

The first customer came up and ordered two subs. I went to the back to get some ice. When I came back to the front Kelly was in the midst of a heated argument with the customer. I interejected "what seems to be the problem here?" The customer exclaimed... "LOOK AT WHAT SHE MADE FOR ME!!!" I looked ... and I couldn't see the problem. I asked her what was wrong with it. She said "I ORDERED NINE INCH SUBS" I looked down, I said "This can't be more than three and a half maybe four inches tops... just make her two new subs Kelly"

The customer screamed, "thats what I asked her to do, and she starts calling me a liar and a cheat!" I asked Kelly why she would say such a thing. She replied... " My boyfriends been telling me every night for close to a year now that thats was what nine inches looks like!"

[tripps]

ohhh !!! i love it . that was a good one !! skin can't get away with that one , i know how to read a tape . ;) :D

[DILLIGAF2005]

ohhh !!! i love it . that was a good one !! skin can't get away with that one , i know how to read a tape . ;) :D

Inches or centimeters?

[avenue478]

Wow this santa got a hold on me!

Pokersmoker!

[IGotJelloOK]

Two nurses were discussing the male patient in room 309. "He is just so gorgeous" said Nurse Jane. Nurse Julie agreed and added" And so well endowed! Did you see that he has a tatoo on his penis that says swan?" Jane started laughing "I guess you were not in there at the right time. Because what the tatoo says is SASKATCHEWAN!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[DedMansHand]

lol... funny shiznit there jello, i gott remeber that one for my fellow nursing students?

Is someone on a randon posting spree again?

[IGotJelloOK]

lol... funny shiznit there jello, i gott remeber that one for my fellow nursing students?

Is someone on a randon posting spree again?

Who ? MOIS?????? Now come on do I ever do that? Oh well yeah maybe once. LOL :D:D

[IGotJelloOK]

A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The
farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up
the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is
on my truck, but he's dead." Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my
money back." The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it
already." Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer
asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him
off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I
just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?" Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at
two dollars a piece and made a profit of $698.00." Totally amazed, the
farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money
because you lied about the donkey being dead?" And Paul replied, "The only
guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when
he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra,
which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great
guy." Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada, and
no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from Canadian
voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them
thought he was a great guy.

[IGotJelloOK]

My very best, most trusted girlfriend sent this too me and I just had to pass it on to you my friends. Now you have one less thing to worry about during this most stressful time of year! LMB(um)O :D:D:D:D:D:D

After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the year 2006.It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to f *ck it up!

PSST! How did the vote go? (I am too nervous to look!)

[xxtazsterxx]

With a signature like that, how can ya lose? :)

"Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because
every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

[tripps]

With a signature like that, how can ya lose? :)

"Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because
every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
i love it !! now thats a great outlook on life if i've ever seen one !

[cazwil]

What do you call a dinosaur with a case of the severe runs?

Megasaur a r s e


Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.


Why did the snooker cue go to the toilet?

To pot the brown.

[drugsarebad]

Why did the donkey cross the road?
To get to the flush draw. ;)

[cazwil]

To celebrate the launch of gay marriages, IKEA have just started selling the Lesbian bed.
There's no screwing just plenty of tongue and groove.

[DedMansHand]

To celebrate the launch of gay marriages, IKEA have just started selling the Lesbian bed.

There's no screwing just plenty of tongue and groove.

OMG...cazwil, i about wet myself...funny S H I Z Z N I T... and If were gonna start telling gay jokes, I have heard them all>>>Wonder why that is?

[phantom01]

OMG...cazwil, i about wet myself...funny ****znit... and If were gonna start telling gay jokes, I have heard them all>>>Wonder why?
Hmmm, yes i DO wonder why u hav heard them all.

[Leafy68]

Hmmm, yes i DO wonder why u hav heard them all.


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

[DedMansHand]

Hmmm, yes i DO wonder why u hav heard them all.
;)
For some reason people get the imppression that I might be offended...LOL... a joke is a joke...anything is open grounds in my book. And if you can't take light of yourself, you got no business telling or listening to jokes!

[skinski]

;)
For some reason people get the imppression that I might be offended...LOL... a joke is a joke...anything is open grounds in my book. And if you can't take light of yourself, you got no business telling or listening to jokes!ya got a point there ded , look at the late pryor after he set hisself on fire.......;)

[DedMansHand]

What is the most used pick-up line in a gay singles bar....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
....."Can I push in your stool?"



I can see ya squirming already...lol

[skinski]

What is the most used pick-up line in a gay singles bar....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
....."Can I push in your stool?"



I can see ya squirming already...lollol !!! oh shyt !!! im chocking here....damnnnnnnnn

[DedMansHand]

Why has Michael Jackson moved on and now fondling Twentyeight year olds?





Because there's Twenty of them!

[Leafy68]

What is the most used pick-up line in a gay singles bar....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
....."Can I push in your stool?"



I can see ya squirming already...lol




look out ya got him going now!!!!!

OMG im dying laughing!!!

[skinski]

Why has Michael Jackson moved on and now fondling Twentyeight year olds?





Because there's Twenty of them! ohhhh man...im fixin to eat !!! shut up !! lol !! :D :D

[Leafy68]

ohhhh man...im fixin to eat !!! shut up !! lol !! :D :D


omg skins you made me spit all over my monitor!!!! LMAO

[skinski]

omg skins you made me spit all over my monitor!!!! LMAO:D ;)

[DedMansHand]

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.:D
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.:eek:
Way Ugly: The local judge is your father in-law.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.:D
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.:eek:
Way Ugly: She gave you both crabs.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..:D
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.:eek:
Way Ugly: They are gay porno flicks

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.:D
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.:eek:
Way Ugly: They didn't work.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.:D
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.:eek:
Way Ugly: Grandpa Joe made a pass at him.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.:D
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.:eek:
Way Ugly: Taken from entries in her diary.

Good: The postman's early.:D
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.:eek:
Way Ugly: He fell on the ice on your door step!

Good: You find out your 18 year old son is dating someone.:D
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: It is your best friend.:eek:
Way Ugly: They been dating for 2 years.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.:D
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.:eek:
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do:mad:

[skinski]

thats a damn nightmare there ded !! lol

[IGotJelloOK]

NEVER




EVER




EVER

PASS GAS IN A WETSUIT !!!!!!!!!











attachment.php?attachmentid=314&d=1135642516

__________________
IN ORDER TO SEE THE RAINBOW WE MUST FIRST WALK THROUGH THE RAIN.

PROUD MEMBER OF THE POKER.COM FAMILY


images/buttons/edit.gif (editpost.php?do=editpost&p=32568)

[IGotJelloOK]

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man????



















It's always erect, stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

[IGotJelloOK]

Hehehehehehehehehehe! :D :D :D ;)

[IGotJelloOK]

Good philosophy- except of course you are a poker.com addict er I mean family member- no addicts here- right??

[IGotJelloOK]

Two Days After Christmas
It's two day after Christmas I'm crabby and I'm broke. I'm so full of ham and fruitcake I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the relatives I wonder when they'll leave. They've been camping in my bathroom Since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight And sleeping in my bed. I been sacked out in the basement With my dog, Zippy.
The relatives have all gone out And left their screaming brats. The toilet bowl is all plugged up And I can't find the cat.
It's Christmastime at my house, The relatives are here. They eat me out of house and home And drink up all my beer.
I love the decorations, And the sleigh bells in the snow But I wish those pesky relatives Would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog A twenty pound rib roast. His feet are sticking in the air Like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all, The girls against the boys. They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring In my favorite TV chair. Those kids are stringing lights on her And tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up Before the fireworks begin. But I wanna see those blue sparks fly When they plug her in.
Sent to me by Lloyd & Shirl
The original poet is unknown, originally 1 day after Christmas, I changed it to fit in for today!

[IGotJelloOK]

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the
"Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded
cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it
and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around
before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this....................










Ah . . . so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

[zmacintyre]

This one's a tad sexist...but I was in tears after I read this !!! It's the Tues Jan 3rd blog entry by Daddy....

http://taopoker.blogspot.com/

[Evil666]

Heard on a cafe in Idaho...

-Canada... hmm Canada!! Hockey Players and Horses comes from Canada...

-My wife comes from Canada!!

-Really..? What team is she in...? :)


Good ol' Walter Mattheau!

[KiwiWiz]

Why has Michael Jackson moved on and now fondling Twentyeight year olds?





Because there's Twenty of them!


What Is Michael Jackson's Favorite Songs??








I'm forever Blowing Bubbles...and
Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me

[IGotJelloOK]

What Is Michael Jackson's Favorite Songs??








I'm forever Blowing Bubbles...and
Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww !!! ROFLMBO !!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D

[IGotJelloOK]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and,
plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and
there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about."



(Ready for this?)





(I'm warning you.....)







(Still not too late..delete now!)















"You're simply going through the change.

[Hacksaw2000]

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all them there lawsuits going on I'm feeling kinda left out. How do I get in on some of that action?

I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies'cause
they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company
cause they got themselves fat.

His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers ....


"Neider bye, I just wanna know if I can sue
Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with...

[IGotJelloOK]

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. ?
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Margie

[IGotJelloOK]

Cleaning the toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him
toward the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the
cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power-wash and rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the
bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through
the bathroom and run outside where he will dry
himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling
clean.

406

[Sycotik]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath when,
one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable
movement.


They went to her husband and explained what
happened,telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."


The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that
they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat lined, no
pulse, no heart rate.




The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked. "

[Leafy68]

O M G!!!!

that's a man for ya....


omg syc... you made me spit my coffee out all over the place!!!!!

[IGotJelloOK]

O M G!!!!

that's a man for ya....


omg syc... you made me spit my coffee out all over the place!!!!!

LOL I guess that is why I have heard it said a man's brains can be found...... oh never mind. :D

[Hacksaw2000]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the krap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL - Newfies aren't stupid and blondes aren't dumb, but
all men are men.

[Leafy68]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the krap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL - Newfies aren't stupid and blondes aren't dumb, but
all men are men.


LMAO!!

[KiwiWiz]

Heard in a Bar

2 Friends were talking to each other and hadn't seen each other since before Christmas..

1 asked the other how his Christmas was and if he got good presents.
To which the other replied that he had a nice Christmas and got a Shirt and piece of Ass for Christmas and neither of them fit.

[IGotJelloOK]

Election Wishes

Martin, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering
in British Columbia when Martin turns to Harper and says, chuckling, "You
know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone
very happy."

Harper shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Layton says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out
the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant jerks back there.
Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy."

[IGotJelloOK]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores
he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he
remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a
picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the
fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of
these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hag he's runnin' around with."

[KiwiWiz]

An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream on a Hot Night. The old man decides to go alone and asks his wife what she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”
“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.
“I also want chocolate and vanilla, with whipped cream, nuts and sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the increasingly agitated husband.
“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.
The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with a bag of bagels.
His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?”

[IGotJelloOK]

HORMONE HOSTAGE
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! Here are possible questions he could ask arranged from dangerous to ultra safe:

DANGEROUS -- What's for dinner?
SAFER -- Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST -- Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Are you wearing that?
SAFER -- Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST -- WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS -- What are you so worked up about?
SAFER -- Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST -- Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS -- Should you be eating that?
SAFER -- You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST -- Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS -- What did you do all day?
SAFER -- I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST -- I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh AND men who need a warning! And remember:


Money talks...but chocolate sings.

Another thing.........
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.
Here, have some chocolate.

[cazwil]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.
The Brain said, ' I should be Boss because I control all the bodies responses and functions.'
The Feet said,' We should be Boss as we carry the Brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'
The Hands said, they should be Boss,'because we do all the work, and earn all the money.'
And so it went on. The Heart, the Lungs, the Eyes, until finally the ****hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the ****hole being the Boss.
So the ****hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the Eyes became crossed, Hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the Heart and Lungs began to pant, and the Brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the ****hole should be Boss, and so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work, while the Boss sat and passed out a load of ****!!!

so the moral of the story is:-

YOU DON'T NEED BRAINS TO BE A BOSS, ANY ****HOLE WILL DO!!!

[skinski]

LMAO !!! oh thats a good one caz....lol

[jtw1942]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the he**** was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:
from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

And how was your day? ? ?

[skinski]

ROFLMAO !!!!!!:D

[IGotJelloOK]

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes,
just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her
family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of
hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in
approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering
$5,000 for the best slogan.The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do
this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo
drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said,
Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."

Here is her entry:
"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no !@#$ to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-itch."

[IGotJelloOK]

Three little boys were concerned because
they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church.
Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said,
"We need to be baptized because no
one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".
" When they got outside, one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one asked, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're ****copailians."

[IGotJelloOK]

DO YOU HAVE THE HANDS OF A BRAIN SURGEON OR DO YOU WRITE WITH CRAYONS ? I TRIED THIS 5 TIMES AND COULDN'T GET PAST LEVEL 3. I CHEATED AND USED BOTH HANDS ON LEVEL 3. I JUST COULD NOT MAKE IT TO LEVEL 4. I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE ! TRY IT . IF ANYBODY MAKES IT TO 4 LET ME KNOW. I WANT YOU TO DO MY NEXT OPERATION IF I NEED ONE !

Click here--->http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf (javascript:ol('http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf');)

[ping100]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[IGotJelloOK]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLMBO Oh I am still on the floor laughing. I will get up in a bit.

[skinski]

that was so good !! lol !! :D

[Hacksaw2000]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................



"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked Duck #1.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to Duck #2.
"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from Duck #2.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a
duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"










"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

[KiwiWiz]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone





1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel

manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hey?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

[NutFlopper]

bump

[Leafy68]

oh HERE it is lmao... thanks nut

[Leafy68]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told Bob that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. Bob was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, Bob made it plainly obvious to his wife, that he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.


***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Leafy68]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says "her body hurts, wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming.

Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her scream.

Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.

[scottishlad]

my mate just texted me this via my moby.

whats the hardest part of a sex change?

changing the smell of cheese to fish!!!!!!!!!

might be my warped sense of humour but i was in stiches for a bit lol.

hope ive not offended anyone!lol

[Leafy68]

my mate just texted me this via my moby.

whats the hardest part of a sex change?

changing the smell of cheese to fish!!!!!!!!!

might be my warped sense of humour but i was in stiches for a bit lol.

hope ive not offended anyone!lol


EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW :beaten: :beaten: :beaten: :beaten:

[scottishlad]

EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW :beaten: :beaten: :beaten: :beaten:


cmon leafy did you not ave a chuckle to urself lol

it is a bit eewwwwwwwwwwwww

[scottishlad]

here is another sent to me from my warped mates lol.sent via moby

elton john goes to a tattoe shop,i want a rolls royce tatooed on my penis.the tattooist says better make it a land rover the amount of **** it goes through.

sorry again if anyone is offended

lmao

[IGotJelloOK]

BLONDE IN A BLIZZARD It was snowing heavily & blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot & wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up & thought about her situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by & follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better & sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by & she started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped & the driver got out & came back to her car & signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine & told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was okay with him & she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot & was going over to Canadian Tire next.

[ping100]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags and every few minutes, a $20 bill flies out of it onto the
pavement.

Noting this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag."

"Damn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea," laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck. By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the old lady, "not all of them pay up."

____________________________________

[IGotJelloOK]

How to maintain a healthy level of insanity.

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO GO."
3. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"
4. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Don't use any punctuation

[Double222]

In norway its ilegal to play poker live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plz help me to fond live action any one.

Need to have som experiance there to never played live.

Isnt it a joke?????????

Double222

[drugsarebad]

Here u go Tracy. :)

[avenue478]

Can anyone post a joke for me to read?

Comon you know you have a good one to tell!

[IGotJelloOK]

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The
warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was
dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was
dead.) Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave
him the shot, and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each
other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Newfie said,
Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing
so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the
warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Newfie replied,














"You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!

[Leafy68]

oh my lmao

[cowboy61]

Why cant miss piggy count to 70.
Because every time she gets to 69 she got a frog in her throat:D

[cymru73]

:D crackers

[IGotJelloOK]

Why cant miss piggy count to 70.
Because every time she gets to 69 she got a frog in her throat:D

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe

[avenue478]

12345 ABCDEF....k

[Hacksaw2000]

A DRUNK NEWFY

A Newfy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the
counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses
there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender
and asks,"What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get
all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are
the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So
the Newfy gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the
jar.
"OK," the bartender says,"here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire gallon of
pepper tequila the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face
while doing it.

Second, - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, - There's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has
never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right
for her."

The Newfy is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm
not an idiot!
I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of >pepper tequila,
and then do those other things...."Your call," says the
bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the Newfy has a few drinks, then a
few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with
both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both
cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is >chained-up, and soon
all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
outside.They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit
bull yelping, and then............silence.
Just when they think the Newfy surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with
his shirt ripped and large ****** scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore
tooth?

[SexySinks]

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'The Man of the House'.


He stormed into the kitchen, and walked directly up to his wife,
Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know, I am the man of the house, and, my word is law"!


"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and, when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.


Then, after dinner, you are to draw me my bath so I can relax. When I am finished with my bath,guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"










His wife replied, "The ****ING Funeral director would be my guess!"

[HelvitisHundurin]

Dear Son
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

[Hacksaw2000]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

Pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[Hacksaw2000]

not a joke but funny as heck



Funniest Worst First Date Story

We have all had bad dates ... but this takes the cake. This just
tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight
Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described
her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to
why her tale took the prize!


She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold .. and the guy
had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It
was a day trip (not overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began
to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were
about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did
for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and snowing there
came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her
pee on the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good
footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeedwas a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature
of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind
as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment,
she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a
reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded
to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show
prize hands ... down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you
thought your first date was embarrassing.


Jay Leno's comment ... "This gives a whole new meaning to being
****ed off."

[natsdad]

ROFLMAO

[HelvitisHundurin]

A nun is walking down the street, when all of a sudden a man charges her from an alley and beats her senseless. :beaten:
As she's lying there the man obviously drunk out of his head is staggering around her form, mutters "Ain't all ye're cracked up to be, are you Batman?"

[xpander1216]

why did the fisherman end up in jail :rolleyes: ?

he was found with Jail bait :eek: lmao :D


yeah yeah i know :P

[Leafy68]

A Senior Citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Hacksaw2000]

LMAO

[IGotJelloOK]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent while the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest you know what I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Perhaps I should come with you."
Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's mine you're holding."

[IGotJelloOK]

The little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(*YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!*)

[HelvitisHundurin]

Please give us the rest..The suspense....Can't.....take...it....:beaten:

[stuffedifiknow]

ha ha ha

[mosa00]

A preist is giving a lecture on the evils of alchol.

He gets two glasses fills one with water and the other with whisky.

He then puts a worm in each glass, after a couple of minutes he takes the worms back out.

The one in the water is perfectly ok but the one in the whisky is stone dead.

The priest then asks his congregation what this proves

To this a wee guy at the back shouts out "If you drink whisky you'll never get worms"

[HelvitisHundurin]

Q: How can you make 5 pounds of fat look really really good??

A: Paint a nipple on it:cool:

[HelvitisHundurin]

One saturday night during the last war, a bar owner noticed a new face among the regular crowd, a soldier. Nothing wrong with that really as lots of soldiers happened by in the late hours. But this one was different, private, rugged, not taking in the joys of being alive another saturday night as the others did. Glum, as if he'd seen the end of his own life, and had accepted it, not going to make an attempt to change any of it. Always sitting by himself and avoiding contact with anyone approaching his chosen seat for the night. (insert thunder and lightning effects here :eek: )

The bar owner, already intrigued by this solitary person, got even more so after noticing that after a few nights this one man always bought three pints, no more no less, and upon finishing the one, came back up and ordered three more. The bar owner decided he had to know more. So one night he was careful to be the one taking an order from the stranger. Upon receiving the standard order of three pints, the bar owner helpfully suggested that he could personally bring him one pint at the time to his table, hoping for some insight on this odd behaviour. The stranger declined, turning back towards his seat. "They'll be alot cooler?!", the bar owner desperately reasoned at the stranger's back. The stranger turned around frowning and said "You don't understand. Before we left for this war, me and my two brothers swore an oath. As long as we are seperated by this war of blood, bullets and barbed wire, we'd always buy one another a pint when we got the chance. And trust me, I'm running out of chances." The bar owner a little intimidated by the finality of the stranger's last statement went back to his other duties without ever once failing to follow the stranger's movements in his establishment.

And so it went for days that turned into weeks. The news from the front seemed to follow the strangers increasingly foul mood. After some very bad news from the front he was back his scowling visage a mirror of the tides of the recent battles. He ordered two pints to his table, and as the bar owner brought them down he managed to stutter "I'm .. eh..sorry .about your brother." The stranger gazed upon him, and suddenly his features cleared a bit and he said "Oh..oh hell. no.. no.. I just quit drinking.. damn this ulcer.."

[boris12]

When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

[boris12]

An older husband and wife sit down to breakfast and the wife says, "I had the strangest dream last night! Dreamt I was at a penis auction, of all things!"
"Is that right?" asks the old man, looking at her sideways.
"Yes," she said, "the long ones were going for $100, and the thick ones for $200."
The husband snorted and asked, "So how much would mine be?"
"Oh, well," the wife replied, "those they were giving away at the door."

Next morning at breakfast the husband announces, "I had such a dream last night. Dreamt I was at a vagina auction."
His wife looked at him in silence.
"Yup, the pretty ones were $1,000 and the tight ones were $2,000."
"I suppose I should ask how much mine would be," said his wife.
"Oh no," said the husband, rather smug. "Yours is where they held the auction!"

[cowboy61]

What starts with an "e" and ends with an "e" but only has 1 letter

[cowboy61]

an envelope

[HelvitisHundurin]

A man and a woman wound up sharing the same compartment for sleeping in on a long trip by train. Both of them being married it was a bit awkward sleeping in the same room, but tired as they were they managed.
The man slept in the upper bunk while the woman..yes you guessed it..she slept in the lower one.
At one point soon after they'd laid down the man asks "Excuse me? mam? could you please pass me that extra blanket down by the window, I'm freezing up here."
She says, "hmm.. Would it be ok with you if we just for the night pretended we were married to each other?"
The man wide awake all of a sudden says "erm..Yes, that sounds ok with me."
The woman says "Great!!. Get your own damn blanket then.."

Two minutes later there was a loud fart from the upper bunk

:crown:

[IGotJelloOK]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE
EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and
they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at ****tails
parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

[NutFlopper]

*sigh*

God gives me a penis and a brain. And Not enough blood to run both at the same time.

[mosa00]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE
EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and
they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at ****tails
parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn




why are these jokes so short

[mosa00]

The little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(*YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!*)



COS SHE CANT REMEMBER THE PUNCHLINES ON THE LONG ONES:D :D :D

[IGotJelloOK]

COS SHE CANT REMEMBER THE PUNCHLINES ON THE LONG ONES:D :D :D

OMG !!! Colour my face sooooooooooooooooooooo RED :o :o :o :o LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOL !!!!

Punch Line :

"Everything was fine daddy until we got almost home and then






















Belle ran out of gas !!!!!!"

[IGotJelloOK]

Best Short Joke....

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"










"Not yet," she replied
_________________

[HelvitisHundurin]

A mexican, an american, a canadian, a sailor, a nun, three cowboys, a priest, a rabbi, three midgets and a donkey walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks "What kinda sick joke is this?"

[skinski]

Redneck Poetry



The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from South Carolina. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three gal's in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[cazwil]

Husband says to the Wife, 'My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I will wear GOLD tonight'.
The Wife says 'Why don't you wear SILVER, and cum ****ing 2nd for a change!'

[natsdad]

Best Short Joke....

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"










"Not yet," she replied
_________________


ROFLMAO I nearly coughed up a lung i laughed so hard.

And YES by the time i read the short one about vapor-lock i was laughing and getting really odd looks from the missus.

[cowboy61]

The first affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."

[cowboy61]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After
> >
> >they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
> >
> >Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
> look
> >towards sky, what you see?"
> >
> >The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
> >
> >"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
> >
> >The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
> >speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> >billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
> Leo.
> >Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
> >morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
> are
> >small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
> >beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
> >
> >Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
> >buffalo dung. It means someone stole tent!

[Stormswift]

Why do cowgirls walk with bow legs !!!!
<<
<<
<<
<<
<<
<<
<<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
Because cowboys never take their hats off to eat

[IGotJelloOK]

http://forum.pokercs.com/http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/th_unattendedkidssmaller.jpg (http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/unattendedkidssmaller.jpg)

[superbluff]

Q:how can you tell if a girls wearing panties
A:have a look at her shoes ...see any dandruff???

[HelvitisHundurin]

After a few drinks at a bar, a man is driving home and gets pulled over by the police. The officer immediately asks him if he's been drinking. The man admits to having a few drinks before driving, and asks if he was driving recklessly. The officer answer "No, you're driving was fine, but that ugly chick in your passenger seat gave you away."

[starkstatic]

After a few drinks at a bar, a man is driving home and gets pulled over by the police. The officer immediately asks him if he's been drinking. The man admits to having a few drinks before driving, and asks if he was driving recklessly. The officer answer "No, you're driving was fine, but that ugly chick in your passenger seat gave you away."
lol :D

[HelvitisHundurin]

Joe wakes up one morning with a hangover of biblical proportions and has no idea whatsoever what he's done the night before but is pretty sure it cannot have been all that good. Basically expecting his wife to verbally abuse him as soon as he's up, he's very surprised to find a glass of water with a couple of aspirins waiting for him by the bed along with a fresh set of clothes. There's a note there from his wife saying "Morning sweetheart, I had to leave early for shopping. breakfast's in the oven. See you later. I love you. :hearts: "
Mystified Joe goes downstairs to find the house in perfect order except from a missing chair by the kitchen table. There's food in the oven as the note said, so confused Joe asks his son who's eating breakfast, if he knows what happened last night. His son answers "Well, you came home dead drunk around four, you puked in the hallway then went to the bathroom and ****ed all over the floor. You then got a black eye for walking straight into a wall and broke one of the chairs when sitting down on it to hard, then mom woke up and dragged you upstairs."
"Then what is... well all this????" Joe asks even more confused.
"Oh, that's probably because when mom tried to take off your pants you pushed her away saying "Lady! Leave me alone, I'm married"

[HelvitisHundurin]

After an entire day of heavy drinking at the local bar the bartender told George that he was going to close the bar for the night and that it was time for him to go home. George more than half climbed of his stool and fell face first to the floor. The stern look on the bartenders face told George he had to leave even if it meant being carried outside, so he litterally crawled out the door. Outside he saw a streetlight and tried to get back on his feet by leaning up against it and get an idea of which direction "home" was. After his decision he took half a step and was lying down again. So he crawled all the way home, crawled up the stairs and got his clothes off while lying on the floor hiding them from his wife before climbing into bed. Thanking God his wife is sound asleep he instantly falls asleep himself.
The next morning his wife wakes him up and asks him "How was last night?" in that special tone that only wives can produce. George tries to keep on a straight face replying "oh, it was ok.. nothing special. Had a few beers before coming home."
"You weren't drunk when you came home were you?" she asks.
"erm.. no, not really" he says.."Why do you ask?"
"Someone from the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair."

[IGotJelloOK]

After an entire day of heavy drinking at the local bar the bartender told George that he was going to close the bar for the night and that it was time for him to go home. George more than half climbed of his stool and fell face first to the floor. The stern look on the bartenders face told George he had to leave even if it meant being carried outside, so he litterally crawled out the door. Outside he saw a streetlight and tried to get back on his feet by leaning up against it and get an idea of which direction "home" was. After his decision he took half a step and was lying down again. So he crawled all the way home, crawled up the stairs and got his clothes off while lying on the floor hiding them from his wife before climbing into bed. Thanking God his wife is sound asleep he instantly falls asleep himself.
The next morning his wife wakes him up and asks him "How was last night?" in that special tone that only wives can produce. George tries to keep on a straight face replying "oh, it was ok.. nothing special. Had a few beers before coming home."
"You weren't drunk when you came home were you?" she asks.
"erm.. no, not really" he says.."Why do you ask?"
"Someone from the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair."

omg roflmbo !!! That I would call irreverant humour except for the fact that when I lived in BC I knew a "george" his name was Bob . He became a parpeligic because he drove drunk (I thank God he hurt no one else) Bob adapted to the wheelchair cheerfully being happy to be alive. So he stopped drinking right? Not on a bet and he was hilarious in some of the antics he would pull while continuing to drink and "drive".Thankfully he lived to growup enough to act his age and not his IQ :D

[IGotJelloOK]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/th_bombtechlarge.jpg (http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/bombtechlarge.jpg) click on photo to make it larger :D

[IGotJelloOK]

1021

[IGotJelloOK]

I thought about the little everyday changes we could make so that the world is a wee bit more peaceful :D

Who needs to search for a hammer and just the right screwdriver when these tools are always handy !!1022

1023 Ahhhh the many battles this will save!!

1024 AND this !!

1025 The only way I would improve on this is an auto directional finder!!

1026 "Go ahead honey. It is just like when I went for my mamogram you kept saying it won't hurt a bit!"

[gObben]

1038


He is handsome, ain't he? :P

[gObben]

[ATTACH]1039[/A
Many may think it's cold in Norway, but check this out! It's from Russia I think..

[skinski]

Husbands Sneaking Home



While leaving a poker party that lasted much longer than it was supposed to, as usual, two friends compared notes.

"I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, 'How ’bout a little?' and she pretends to be asleep."

[IGotJelloOK]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/th_malebrain.jpg (http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/malebrain.jpg)

Click on picture to enlarge (too bad we can't do that with the real brain roflmbo)

[Leafy68]

hey that looks like MY brain!!! LMAO

[Hacksaw2000]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/th_malebrain.jpg (http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c51/mostfortune8/malebrain.jpg)

Click on picture to enlarge (too bad we can't do that with the real brain roflmbo)

i think the domestic skills, ironing and the listening particles may be a bit exaggerated

and the Sex and ball sports are a bit small :)

[IGotJelloOK]

i think the domestic skills, ironing and the listening particles may be a bit exaggerated

and the Sex and ball sports are a bit small :)

ROFLMBO!!!!! I thought I was the only one who had noticed that!!!

[HelvitisHundurin]

Jack was having one those days where everything was going exactly opposite of the expected, and decided to stop for a few drinks at the bar. His day instantly got worse as soon as noticed there was a new bartender, one of those smiling cheery types he did not want to talk to that day. As soon as Jack sat down the bartender was all over him with a big smile offering him a drink.
Jack says "Gimme a rum and cola, make that a double and twice as fast as usual."
The bartender says with a big smile "Aww, come now mate? It's a beautiful day, and here I am, the world's greatest bartender at your disposal..Surely you want something better than a rum and cola?"
Jack is just about to lose his temper when the bartender backs away saying "Alright. Alright..Rum'n cola it is then." *mix mix mix* *shake shake* He comes back and puts down an apple in front of Jack, and seing the vicious look on his face the bartender very seriously says "Look mate. I'm the world's greatest bartender, trust me on this one. Try the apple and this one's on the house"
Jack takes a bite and is surprised to find it tastes like rum.
"Now try the other side of the apple" the bartender says.
Jack does exactly that and finds it tastes like cola.
"Now that's amazing" Jack says "How did you do that?"
"I can't reveal my secrets, all I can tell you is that I'm the world's greatest bartender and I can make you ANYTHING you want"
Jack orders a screwdriver and finds orange on one side of the apple and vodka on the other.
This goes on for most of the day with Jack trying figure out some drink that the bartender can't do.
So after a whole bunch of apples Jack is staggeringly drunk, and notices a beatiful woman in the bar and thinking to himself "Jeeesh, I'd like some of that" he remembers his newfound friend behind the bar he calls him over and says "Heh.. I've got one for you now!.. I want a drink that tastes like (whisper whisper)". The bartender a bit disturbed by this latest order goes into the back *mix mix mix* *shake shake*
Thinking himself quite clever for finally having stumped the arrogant bartender, and even if he hadn't it's still be a win/win situation.
So onto the bar comes the apple, and Jack takes a big chunk out of it, but immediately spits it out exclaiming "ack...It tastes like ****!!"
The bartender says "well, turn the apple around"

[cazwil]

Wife set her f a n n y on fire by accident, whilst on holiday. Her husband said, 'stand on the balcony and let the wind blow it out', but she slipped and fell.

Paddy and Murphy weres stood below, Paddy said to Murphy, 'Whats that? A comet?'
Murphy said, 'Don't be daft, its a t w at t a l i t e'

[IGotJelloOK]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! - I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!!!!" You gotta follow the recipe!

[IGotJelloOK]

Three Cape Bretoner's, Donnie, Billy and Charlie were working on a
high-rise building project. Donnie falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Billy says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Charlie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do
it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Billy says, "Where did you get that, Charlie?"
"Donnie's wife gave it to me," Charlie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Charlie says. "When she
answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Donnie's widow'"...
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of
beer you are."

[HelvitisHundurin]

A man walks into a bar (wow..caught you off guard there!!)
He sees this other patron and asks him where he's from.
"I'm from Dublin" is the answer.
"Sweet Jesus" says the first. "So am I. Bartender give us a couple of drinks so we can drink to Dublin" and so they get their drinks.
"Thanks for the drink. But where in Dublin did you attend school then?"
"St. Mary's. Graduated in '62" is the answer.
"Holy Mary, So did I in 62 as well. Bartender let's have a couple of drinks here to drink to St. Mary's".
Another man walks into the bar orders a beer and asks for any news.
"No not really. Same old same old. The O'Reilly twins are drunk again"

[skinski]

Leaving Work Early



There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.

After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.

The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.

As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.

The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.

"NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"

[Hacksaw2000]

Three Cape Bretoner's, Donnie, Billy and Charlie were working on a
high-rise building project. Donnie falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Billy says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Charlie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do
it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Billy says, "Where did you get that, Charlie?"
"Donnie's wife gave it to me," Charlie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Charlie says. "When she
answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Donnie's widow'"...
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of
beer you are."

ive known some Cape Bretoners and im sure thats no joke but a true story lol

[superbluff]

1038


He is handsome, ain't he? :P
OMG JELLO UR SO FUNNY THIS ONE KILLED ME STILL ROFLMAO

[HelvitisHundurin]

Two teenage blondes talking:

"oooh, that test yesterday... it was just sooo, you know, like hard! I just wanted to scream you know?."
"Yeah..totally..there was this one question, like what's closer to L.A? San Francisco or the moon??"
"You didn't know that one?? DUH!!??"
"What do you mean, DUH??!! you're supposed to be supportive girlfriend!!"
"Well, think about it.. Can you see San Fran from LA??? DUH!!!?"

[cowboy61]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow.



The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.



We even called up Audrey, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."



The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour!!??"



The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[SexySinks]

1067

[SexySinks]

YEAH it did!

[gObben]

1073

[gObben]

1074


Several things about this cat makes me think of Al Bundy :P

[gObben]

1067


Gotta say I LUV that one! No offence, Americans. But Bush ain't exactly my favorite person of all time:beaten:
But see this one, and see for yourself why many europeans says Bush looks like a monkey
1075

[gObben]

1076

[cowboy61]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[avenue478]

thanks!

[Hacksaw2000]

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The police man stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[gObben]

1118

[mosa00]

That looks like a bairn that knows what he wants!:P

[HelvitisHundurin]

A man is with his wife and 6 kids at the bus stop and when they start getting on the bus it is evident that it is too crowded for all of the passengers to get on. Only one passenger cannot get on an elderly blind man, so after some nagging from the wifey the man finds himself walking along the sidewalk with the blind man. Not in the best of moods (marrital state ;)) the man quickly gets annoyed by the blind mans stick clicking on the pavement. He makes a gruff remark about why the hell the blind man doesn't put a piece of rubber on the end of his stick to which the blind man answers, "You're telling me??, look son if you put some rubber on the end of your stick we'd be sitting on the dang bus now!"

[IGotJelloOK]

You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a car accident that involved 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on the CHUM FM radio station that they had to put it on their site. Make sure your speakers are on and the sound is up :) Click on below link...

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf (javascript:ol('http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf');)
--

[gObben]

1138

Well, well... A creative way to get a date.. Or what u guys think?:P

[Ramster44]

1138

Well, well... A creative way to get a date.. Or what u guys think?:P
Love it

[mosa00]

Excellent!

[Leafy68]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115" I say.
The nurse! puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8" I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm! short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac. :D

[IGotJelloOK]

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLMBO!!!!! Did you sneak in behind me the last time i went to the doc?????

[Leafy68]

One day a first grade teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mommy before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out!!!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.wait for it......

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's a piece of Ass!"

[NutFlopper]

2 Irishmen walk out of a bar....

[NutFlopper]

A man walks into a bar and says "Oww"

[Leafy68]

A man walks into a bar and says "Oww"


BOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

throws rotten tomatoes at nut

[Ramster44]

Little Jimmy comes running in from school and says mommy mommy we went for a walk in the park today and on the way i saw daddys car so i took a look inside and saw him and auntie Jane kissing in the backseat then daddy took auntie Jane's top off and undid her bra then auntie Jane undid daddies pants.
Wait there says Jimmy's mom i'm sure this would be better told at tea time when your dads here.
So at teatime mommy said to Jimmy "well what did you do at school today Jimmy"
Well we wennt for a walk in the park and i saw daddys car when i took a look inside i saw daddy kissing auntie Jane then he took her top off and undid her bra then auntie Jane undid daddys pants
What happened next says mom
Well they did what you and uncle Billy used to do when daddy was in the army said Jimmy

[DedMansHand]

Austrailia joke of the year:


An aussie walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep,
you idiot!"

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."



Zero Gravity


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them.



American Constitution


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.



Ten Commandments in America


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.



A Real Groaner

A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.....
Police suspect a cereal killer

[Ramster44]

Did you hear about the vasectomy doctor
He got the sack

[skinski]

After the big egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the youngest boy on the farm decided to play a little prank on all of the chickens, as with little else to do he enjoyed confusing the animals to amuse himself. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single brown egg with a brightly colored one from the hunt.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in and saw all of the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the pea****.

[cowboy61]

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
>long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is
>a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from
>a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
>Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
>Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>
>Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
>I know why they record these conversations!):
>
>
>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>
>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>
>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>
>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
>the words went away."
>
>Operator: "Went away?"
>
>Caller: "They disappeared."
>
>Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
>
>Caller: "Nothing."
>
>Operator: "Nothing??"
>
>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>
>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>
>Caller: "How do I tell?"
>
>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>
>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
>screen?"
>
>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
>accept anything I type."
>
>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>
>Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>
>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
>a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>
>Caller: "I don't know."
>
>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
>where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>
>Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>
>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
>it's plugged into the wall.
>
>Caller: "Yes, it is."
>
>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
>there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>
>Caller: "No."
>
>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
>and find the other cable."
>
>Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>
>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
>securely into the back of your computer."
>
>Caller: "I can't reach."
>
>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>
>Caller: "No."
>
>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
>lean way over??"
>
>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
>- it's because it's dark."
>
>Operator: "Dark??"
>
>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light
>I have is coming in from the window.
>
>
>
>
>
>" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>
>Caller: "I can't."
>
>Operator: "No? Why not??"
>
>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>
>Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
>licked now.
>
>
>
>
>
>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>came in??"
>
>
>
>
>
>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>
>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
>it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
>you bought it from."
>
>Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
>Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>
>Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
>them??"
>
>Operator: "Tell them you're too ##$@?%# stupid to own a
>computer!!!!!"

[cowboy61]

THE WIFE STORE

A store that sells wives has just opened in New York City, where
a man may go to choose a wife. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of
the women increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is,
however, a catch . . . you may choose any woman from a particular
floor, o r you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!

So, a man goes to the Wife Store to find a Wife . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These
women have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women have jobs and
love sex.


The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love
sex, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," he thinks, but feels
compelled to keep going.


He goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These
women have jobs, love sex, are drop-dead good looking and do the
housework

"Oh, mercy me!" he exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, he goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
women have jobs, love sex, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the
housework, and cook gourmet meals.


He is so tempted to stay, but he goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor.
There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at
the Wife Store.


Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[cazwil]

God visited man one day and said,

'there has been some changes made to heaven. To gain entry when your time comes you must have given up smoking, drinking alcohol and making love to your wife.

The man looks at God, and can't believe it, this was going to be hard. But he believed in his religion.

The next week an angel visits him , and asks,

'how are you managing, the tasks God set you?'

'Well the fags and booze wasn't so bad as I thought, I can manage without them.
However, not making love to my wife is harder. Two days ago she bent over the freezer, and I could no longer resist.'

The Angel replies,

'well I don't think god will let you into heaven'

The man looks at the Angel and says,'

's'ok I don't think Tesco will let me in either':D :eek: